It has been a really really long time since I have posted anything, she said for the 100th time. I wrote the post below, just as I was starting to transition back to work. I now find myself looking for a new position as my contract is ending, so now seems as good a time as any to post this. If any of you are going through or have gone through this change, how did you handle it? I was an emotional WRECK!
Photo from: Style me Pretty
April 17, 2018
I am going back to work. I am absolutely excited, terrified, nervous and wildly emotional. I start on Monday, which makes this my last week at home with E… and queue the waterworks.
I’ve been out of work now since August 2015. I chose to leave my job, follow my husband across the pond and start and amazing and whirlwind adventure; have a baby, stay home for a year with her and now return to work. It has been 32 months since I have had a job title other than “wife” and “mom”. I am so grateful.
As I sit here writing this I am trying to verbalize this in ways that –
1. Don’t make me start sobbing;
2. Articulates my excitement, apprehension, fear and guilt; all of which I seem to be feeling in the same breath
I am hoping that putting this out there makes dealing with the overwhelming feelings I have had over the last few weeks a little lighter, and that if you perhaps find yourself in the same position, you can see that you’re not alone.
I am excited to go back to work. Aside from the financial benefits of working, I love having something that is just mine. Where I get the opportunity to be around people, work hard, share my skills, learn new things and actively engage my mind on things other than reading “Puppy Makes Mischief” for the 700th time. I love being a stay at home mom, I really do, but I also recognize that going back to work is a choice and one I am so ready and willing to take on.
From a professional standpoint, I am terrified. I work in marketing and advertising, a sector where the pace and change is constant and keeping up has really not been at the forefront of my interests in the last little while. I am sure that the Facebook and Instagram algorithms have changed 7000x over in the few years I have been out of the game. The things that used to be “cool” and cutting edge for creative campaigns are now wildly different – I have a lot to re-learn.
More than anything I am so nervous. Will Everly do well at daycare? Will I be able to keep my mind on my work missing her constantly? Will we ever get to what feels like a normal pace? The “What ifs” are constantly bogging me down. What if she gets sick, What if she hates day care, What if I am going to be late one night and miss her going to sleep… I feel like I am leaving my baby behind. I don’t want to feel like she “doesn’t need me”… and now I’m crying.
I think more than anything I just need to accept that this is a huge change. For all of us. I will attempt to approach it with grace, patience, and hopefully, with time, this will all be easier. Right?
August 16, 2018
I’ve been on contract now for 3 months, and I can honestly say the hardest job I have ever had is “working mom”. It’s not that my job is complicated, or too much for me, and its not that being a mom is too much for me, it’s that when you put the two together, you are constantly feeling yourself being pulled in opposite directions all the time. Early on, my daughter got really sick – I’ll thank daycare for that bout of Hand Foot and Mouth disease. My husband and I split our week up and stayed home with her, attempting to “work from home” as best we could. Therein lies the issue. I attempted to be two people at the same time, the person my job needed me to be, and the mom my daughter needed me to be. Giving myself partially to both was a total failure, giving myself fully to my work was a failing my daughter and giving myself fully to my daughter was a failing my work.
I will never be able to “turn off” the mom side of me. Everly is in my thoughts constantly, and I miss her all day everyday that I am not with her. But I am also not willing to give up my job. Instead, once my contract ends in November, I will be looking to transition into another position. When I originally started looking at going back to work, I had ranked “challenging work” low on my priorities. Having worked for a little while, I have quickly come to realize how wrong I was. Where there is challenge there is either triumph, or learning – both make us grow. Without challenge, I’m not growing as much as I could, and that is doing a disservice to myself. I wish to demand more from myself when it comes to work.
So as difficult as it is to be a “working mom” the title seems to suit me, and for that I am grateful.
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