Back to work.

It has been a really really long time since I have posted anything, she said for the 100th time. I wrote the post below, just as I was starting to transition back to work. I now find myself looking for a new position as my contract is ending, so now seems as good a time as any to post this. If any of you are going through or have gone through this change, how did you handle it? I was an emotional WRECK!

Photo from: Style me Pretty

April 17, 2018

I am going back to work. I am absolutely excited, terrified, nervous and wildly emotional. I start on Monday, which makes this my last week at home with E… and queue the waterworks.

I’ve been out of work now since August 2015. I chose to leave my job, follow my husband across the pond and start and amazing and whirlwind adventure; have a baby, stay home for a year with her and now return to work. It has been 32 months since I have had a job title other than “wife” and “mom”. I am so grateful.

As I sit here writing this I am trying to verbalize this in ways that –

1. Don’t make me start sobbing;
2. Articulates my excitement, apprehension, fear and guilt; all of which I seem to be feeling in the same breath

I am hoping that putting this out there makes dealing with the overwhelming feelings I have had over the last few weeks a little lighter, and that if you perhaps find yourself in the same position, you can see that you’re not alone.

I am excited to go back to work. Aside from the financial benefits of working, I love having something that is just mine. Where I get the opportunity to be around people, work hard, share my skills, learn new things and actively engage my mind on things other than reading “Puppy Makes Mischief” for the 700th time. I love being a stay at home mom, I really do, but I also recognize that going back to work is a choice and one I am so ready and willing to take on.

From a professional standpoint, I am terrified. I work in marketing and advertising, a sector where the pace and change is constant and keeping up has really not been at the forefront of my interests in the last little while. I am sure that the Facebook and Instagram algorithms have changed 7000x over in the few years I have been out of the game. The things that used to be “cool” and cutting edge for creative campaigns are now wildly different – I have a lot to re-learn.

More than anything I am so nervous. Will Everly do well at daycare? Will I be able to keep my mind on my work missing her constantly? Will we ever get to what feels like a normal pace? The “What ifs” are constantly bogging me down. What if she gets sick, What if she hates day care, What if I am going to be late one night and miss her going to sleep… I feel like I am leaving my baby behind. I don’t want to feel like she “doesn’t need me”… and now I’m crying.

I think more than anything I just need to accept that this is a huge change. For all of us. I will attempt to approach it with grace, patience, and hopefully, with time, this will all be easier. Right?

 

August 16, 2018

I’ve been on contract now for 3 months, and I can honestly say the hardest job I have ever had is “working mom”. It’s not that my job is complicated, or too much for me, and its not that being a mom is too much for me, it’s that when you put the two together, you are constantly feeling yourself being pulled in opposite directions all the time. Early on, my daughter got really sick – I’ll thank daycare for that bout of Hand Foot and Mouth disease. My husband and I split our week up and stayed home with her, attempting to “work from home” as best we could. Therein lies the issue. I attempted to be two people at the same time, the person my job needed me to be, and the mom my daughter needed me to be. Giving myself partially to both was a total failure, giving myself fully to my work was a failing my daughter and giving myself fully to my daughter was a failing my work.

I will never be able to “turn off” the mom side of me. Everly is in my thoughts constantly, and I miss her all day everyday that I am not with her. But I am also not willing to give up my job. Instead, once my contract ends in November, I will be looking to transition into another position. When I originally started looking at going back to work, I had ranked “challenging work” low on my priorities. Having worked for a little while, I have quickly come to realize how wrong I was. Where there is challenge there is either triumph, or learning – both make us grow. Without challenge, I’m not growing as much as I could, and that is doing a disservice to myself. I wish to demand more from myself when it comes to work.

So as difficult as it is to be a “working mom” the title seems to suit me, and for that I am grateful.

Everly is 1.

For any new mom, the days are long; and yet people continuously tell you to “enjoy this time, it’s so short.” I am here to back up that statement. This has been both the longest and shortest year of my life.

There are days that I cried, because it was only 2pm and Nick wasn’t going to be home for hours. There have been days I wanted to freeze time and remember her. To remember her smile; the pride I felt when she put her toes in her mouth for the first time. There are silly things, happy things, tears, many many diapers, photos and videos that have clogged my cloud. All I can say is, we made it. I have spent one full year living and breathing motherhood, and I love it.

 

There is a sense of pride, achievement and a sigh of excitement/relief that gets shed every time you hit a milestone. The first time she rolls over, the first time she smiles at you and it isn’t gas, the wobbly drunken steps that she took. But I was not prepared for the amount of emotion that would hit me months before she turned one. At Christmas, my sister showed me a “ONE!” t-shirt, and I flat out said no. NO, Nope, no no no not happening, she will be my baby forever (*tear*). But it’s here. She’s now one, and time isn’t slowing down. Maybe it was the EPIC tantrum she threw on her birthday, or the realization that we have so much to look forward to – but I did not shed one tear when she turned one.

I’m ready. I recognize that I/we are WHOLLY unprepared for this next phase of parenthood, but I’m ready. Watching my little girl grow and explore the world is truly the most wonderful gift I have ever been given.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank our village. They know who they are. We could not have made it without your love.

I would also like to mention that I got THE MOST EPIC GIFT as a surprise in the mail from my amazing friend Jacquie. Just before Evie’s birthday, she sent me a lovely card, book (You are a Badass) and bar of chocolate to pay tribute to the fact that we had made it to 1 year. It was honestly the most thoughtful gift, and something I am now going to replicate for my friends (and you should too). Just the gesture, made me feel like superwoman.

We’ve completely spoiled our girl for her first birthday. 3 days of celebrating between Toronto and DC. Friends, Family and little ones joined us to celebrate our girl and it was perfect. I fully acknowledge that her parties were more about me than they were for her- Right down to the tutu.

 

This post was a little late, but still important none the less. Happy Birthday to my darling sweet Evie Girl. xx

Post Partum.

For those of you not pregnant, you might want to skip this list. But for those of you interested, there are a few notes for new parents, but most especially new Moms!

When you’re at the end of your pregnancy, the only thing you can seem to think about is the baby. At least it was for me. The anticipation was killing me. Thoughts were consumed by onesies, baby bottles and baths, car seats, preparing for birth… I gave a little thought to Post-Partum me, but now that I know how it was… here is some wisdom I wish to pass on.

Prepare your wardrobe

Nursing tops, undies, comfy pjs. Sounds like a reasonable shopping list, but I was only prepared with one of them – undies. For whatever reason, I thought it was a good idea to buy some underwear that would be comfortable on the off chance that I had a c-section – spoiler alert! I did!

I bought 4 pairs of these from the Gap – they are IDEAL! Loose waist band without elastic, boy short shape is big enough for coverage and a pad. They weren’t too tight on my incision and cute enough that I didn’t feel like a blob.

I also decided it was a great idea to be prepared for nursing AFTER the baby arrived – don’t be like me. Nursing tank tops from H&M were my go-to, but I wish I had bought a few tops and especially bras (in bigger sizes than I thought) before baby. A few things to consider – your chest will get bigger when your milk comes in, your ribs may have expanded, be sure that you size that out generously instead of conservatively. Don’t be like me. Plan ahead. If you have what you need it is easier to focus on feeling like yourself again and taking care of baby.

It’s going to take a while for your stomach to go down. It’s alright to live in stretchy pants! Personally, I favoured the high waisted ones I had worn throughout my pregnancy – like these!

Freezer foods

This is on a number of “before the baby comes” lists, but I wish to add my 2 cents. I made a few things for breakfast and lunch/dinner that were really good go-to meals in those first few sleep deprived weeks.

Breakfast wraps

Seriously simple! I scrambled the eggs, sautéed the spinach, added some shredded cheese and bacon and rolled them like burritos. Wrapped in plastic wrap and then stacked in the freezer. DONE! To bring them back to life you can either pop them in the microwave, oven or a mixture of both.

1. Eggs
2. Spinach
3. Whole Wheat wraps
4. Cheese
5. Bacon

Chicken Burritos

I don’t really follow a recipe for these, but there are about 500 easily made recipes I found in a quick “Chicken, Black bean burritos, freezer” on Pinterest.

Visitors

THIS IS UP TO YOU! I didn’t know how I would feel, maybe I would want my family there every minute to help. Maybe I wanted space, but the best thing I did was tell them that. I was brutally honest. There was a chance I just wanted to be alone for a few days. There was a chance I wanted people around for only 15 mins at a time or 24 hours at a time. I left it up to me, and Nick and baby to set the pace.

Having help is amazing and necessary when it is what you need. Be honest, ask for things, say yes, but above all – make sure it fits with your needs. You are the new parent, you get to decide what that looks like for you.

GO SLOW!

As my friend said to me, “being a parent is a marathon – not a sprint”. I have just made it through the infant stage, and I already see how true that statement is. Right after having Everly, I tried to do too many things too fast. Feeling inspired by the amazing weather we were having in February, I – 3 days post MAJOR SURGERY – decided it was a really good idea to walk 4 blocks. It was not. My mom had to come and pick me up in the car and I ended up back at the hospital to get checked out. Move slowly, ask for help, let your body heal!

It took 9 months to grow the baby, it took me 5 weeks to feel like myself again – be patient.

Any tips or tricks you mommas would share?!

xx

 

 

Baby Registry Tips & Lists.

Having a baby registry was a fantastic way to keep things organized, to keep a hand on what we needed and what we already had, and help guide those who wanted to get our us/baby a present.

When I built our registry, I was sitting in our friends kitchen outside London, knowing we were about to move back to Toronto and then move again a few months later to DC. This meant that I didn’t put anything big for Everly’s Nursery onto our registry. I also had a few things I had already arranged to borrow including a swing and bassinet stand. We also didn’t know if we were having a boy or girl!

Things to consider when starting a baby registry:

Where do you want to register? There are some really amazing websites for registries now. These companies are always looking to make it easier for users – you no longer have to register with different stores individually and then send multiple registries around to people!

For this user friendly reason, I registered with BabyList. I downloaded the app for my phone and iPad making things even easier. (Note, this is in no way sponsored by them, but I thought it was a great experience, so I am sharing). The site is based out of the US, and allows you to pull in items from any website – and multiple sites if that will make it easier on your friends and family.

Who are you sharing it with? Are you having a baby shower? These two elements kinda go together. If you’re having a baby shower and wish to share it with your guests, great! Either way, sharing your registry with a group makes it easy for people to pool together and buy you some of the bigger ticket items that you are looking for. But a registry can be a great way to take advantage of some discounts and to keep things straight. Amazon Registries and Target both have promotions around registries – Target gives you a percentage discount to get the remaining items on your list once the baby arrives.

For my baby shower, for example, we asked that people contributed towards the price of our stroller (our biggest expense), or they could choose something off the registry. When it comes down to it, the reason we spend so much time building a registry, is so that people will follow it. However, I do have 1 exception to that – I didn’t register for any clothes. Baby clothes are really damn cute, and easy for people to pick up if they want to get something for the baby. Generally, people will get you clothes and books and toys needing any guidance.

What do we really need? If you’re like me you will scour Pinterest and mommy blogs for guidance on what you need to put on your registry. Check out my recent post “My Baby ‘Must Haves'”  for the FULL list of things I love and use daily with Everly. When it came to our registry, I needed simplicity, mobility, design and function. I’ve linked it here in case you want to check it out – just click purchased and reserved items to see everything.

Here is my list, what we registered for, and to be honest – we have used EVERYTHING! No regrets! (Links to everything can be found here or here)

1 UppaBaby Cruz Stroller (Taylor) 2. Peg Perego UppaBaby Adaptor 3. JJ Cole Infant Pillow 4. Peg Perego 4-35 Car Seat 5. UppaBaby Bassinet (Taylor) 6. UppaBaby Bassinet Mattress cover 7. Woombie Sleep Sack 0-3 months 8. Back Seat Mirror 9. Muslin Swaddles 10. HBC Knit Baby Blanket 11. Boon Grass (white) 12. Phillips Event Bottle starter kit 13. Phillips Event bottle steamer 14. My BreastFriend Nursing Pillow 15. Cane Drop Humidifier 16. Wash cloths 17. Braun Thermometer 18. Keekaroo Peanut (Grey) 19. Ubbi Diaper Pail 20. Boon Baby Bath 21. Motorola Digital Video Monitor 22. Ergo 360 Carrier & Infant Insert

My Baby “Must Haves”.

Recently, we got some huge news from our friends. 3 (!!), 3 couples of our AMAZING friends are expecting little ones next spring. While I will spare you the gushing and over the top excitement I feel for all of them, very quickly for First-Time-Moms the conversation turns to “what do we need”. Anyone who has children will tell you, babies come with A LOT of gear. Some of it completely necessary, some of it is just to make your life during those early months easier – and when you’re running on little-to-no sleep, easy is necessary.

So here it is, the things that make my life easier as a mom. Things we had on our registry, and things we have bought along the way that I can’t do without. Later on I will revise the list for “Best Registry Items” and “Nursery” – but here is the big list for now!

First, a few comments. I’ve tried to be thorough here, but some mommas will disagree with my picks – these are the things I love best. Second, most things for babies and kids come in these shocking (sometimes awful) colours. While kids love bright colours, there are ways that you can maintain some design and aesthetic in your home while having the same function, I tried to do that. And finally, COST, babies are expensive… do you need a designer play mat, probably not, the one 1/3 the price is just fine – but it is still OK to want the fancy one!

Stroller/Sleep

 

Stroller
We have the UppaBaby Cruz in Taylor (navy). A few reasons I love this stroller:

• The Cruz is narrower than the Vista, making it better suited for our small apartment
• While the Cruz doesn’t convert to a double stroller for down the line, you can still add on most of the same accessories, including the skateboard at the back for toddlers and small children, and the bassinet for newborns
• The bassinet – more on that below
• Ease! Not only does it fold down quickly and easily, you can transfer between a car seat (with adaptor in some cases), the toddler seat and the bassinet very easily.
• One of my must haves for our stroller was that we could have the baby facing us as we push, or turned the other way around as they got older – this meets that criteria.

Car Seat

We went with the Peg Perego 4-35. Why, because it went on sale, and we could buy an adaptor for our UppaBaby that still cost less than buying the MaxiCosi carseat that matches the stroller. There are rankings for these things of course, but cost and ease were important to us – and it was still very highly rated.

Sleep

Bassinet (0-4.5 months)
Everly slept in the UppaBaby bassinet until she was about 4.5 months old, when we moved her to her crib. We borrowed the stand from my cousin, and had her sleeping in our room right next to the bed for the first few months. (Frankly, at $149, the bassinet stand is a price addition, so if you can borrow one, or buy one second hand, go for it – otherwise, the floor next to your bed is an easy substitute).

If you go this route, I highly recommend getting a second mattress cover for the bassinet.

Once she was rolling over, we moved her into a crib in our room until 6 months. After 6 months we moved her into her own room.

Noise Machine

Everly sleeps through the night every night with a noise machine – so we don’t mess with it. We have an owl from SkipHop that also doubles as a night light and projects stars on the ceiling – she’s just at the age now that she thinks thats cool.

Friends of ours gave us a Sleep sheep, and other friends use the “Shussher” both are awesome options if you don’t think you can sleep with all night white noise (note: you get used to it, and you’re too tired to care too). They each have options for timed play, 15-45 mins.

Swaddle Sacks/Sleep Sacks

We’ve gone through a few phases with sleep sacks, but I am SOLD on their use and necessity! From muslin to winter weight, they are so handy, and were incredibly useful when we were getting Everly onto a schedule later on – sleep sack = nap time!

• Newborn
• 3-5 months
• Once they can roll over, you can’t swaddle them for bed anymore… so we transitioned to this style.

Crib & Mattress

A friend of mine sent me some devastating article about the flame retardant they put on mattresses and how noxious fumes come from it. So we went with the Sealy Nature Couture Soybean Serenity, it got good ratings and was on the article’s approved list.

Pick whichever crib you think fits best for you, as a reference, this is the one that we have Babyletto Modo 3-in-1 convertible crib 

Monitor

We chose the Motorola wireless video monitor, just makes things easy. Nothing fancy, no Wifi (there are some creeeeeepy stories about them getting hacked). But it works well, and its small enough to move around with us when we travel.

Diapering

Where I may be willing to save on certain things, our changing pad is truly worth every cent! The Keekaroo Peanut is the only changing pad I tell anyone to consider. It wipes clean, sits on top of any dresser, no fancy bells and whistles necessary (it means you don’t have to buy that fancy dresser for your nursery!). We rotate through 2 portable changing pads on the peanut, just because the plastic can be a little cool sometimes.

Ubbi Diaper Pail

We chose this one, because you don’t have to use fancy bags or buy refills for this one! And it comes in really cute colours to match your nursery.

Note: We have a little basket next to the peanut just to store the diapers and wipes in. It’s just a silly one I found at winners/TJ.Maxx, definitely a necessity too. At first we had them in the drawer but that was too much work.

Feeding

Whether you a breast feeding or bottle feeding, or both (see my post Fed is Best for more on that), a few things made my life SO much easier!

Nursing moms

My BreastFriend 

For nursing, this is my absolute must, other moms might suggest the Boppy pillow, but I LOVE this pillow – here’s why!

• It clips around you! When Evie was super tiny, I could stand up holding the pillow and her, which took a little pressure off my healing body.
• It has a pocket – for your water bottle, phone, her bottle, cell phone, whatever – this was very useful
• Makes nursing on the couch, bed, a chair wherever more comfortable; they also make one for twins if you need it!

Breast Pump

I was planning on nursing, and originally thought breast pumps were only used to provide a bottle for the baby for Dad or a babysitter to give the baby, I was sorely wrong. Turns out the Madela Swing (Single) pump that I got was NOT cutting it – spending 15 mins on each side at 3am while Nick and Everly slept was miserable. So I switched after a few weeks and bought the Madela Pump in Style (double pump) – made my life 100x easier and cut my pumping time to just 15 mins.

Bottles

Most of our friends here use the Dr. Brown’s Bottles. We’ve always used Phillips Avent and the Medela ones that came with my pump. (note: we got lucky, Everly never rejected any bottles)

Bottle Cleaning

Boon Grass Drying rack – best just to keep clean and sanitized bottles clear of general dirty dishes, I would put this in the MUST have category. Again, Boon makes things in some really harsh colours, I chose the white one.

When Everly was first taking a bottle, she was still taking pre-made formula, which is sterile. Ensuring the bottle was sterile as well was drilled into us by our Lactation Consultant, making this Bottle Sterilizer a MUST!!

Bath

We use the Burts Bees Baby Wash, I love the smell of it, and she has never had any issues with her skin, don’t know if the 2 are related or not, but I love it.

 Baby Tub

I loooooved this one. The Boon Baby bath collapses, can be used on an angle or as a full infant tub until they’re ready for the big bath. Whether you have the space to store a baby bath tub or not, this one has been excellent.

Gear

Boba Wrap

Infant insert

Facing in

 

Baby carrier 

Having the sling was perfect when E was a newborn, it means you can get stuff done! Now, we LOVE the Ergobaby360 carrier. It trades between Nick and I seamlessly.

When E was just out of the sling, we used the infant insert, pretty much until about 4.5-5 months. The 360 also turns into a backpack carrier for toddlers – haven’t tried this one yet.

• Boba Wrap for newborn-3mo (3 views of their YouTube how-to and I was a pro)
• Carrier 3+ months (comes in a few colours, we have navy)
  • Ergo Infant Insert
  • Ergo Carrier 360

Swing/Bouncer

When it comes to baby gear, oh man the colours. Toys are bright for a reason, I get it, but it also has to be sitting in my living room for the next forever… so, we made a few calculated decisions.

• This is the one we have, the colours were slightly muted so I went for it
• This is the one I really wanted…but the price was my stopping point

Swing

Some babies hate the swing, Everly could nap in it for hours and hours, and it meant I could leave her in it and do things… so for us it was necessary.

This is the one we have, the benefit of this one is that it has a detachable rocker for those times you need a shower, or to go to the bathroom etc. Always necessary to have a portable something or other for the baby, especially when they are really little.

This is the one we had when Everly was born that we borrowed. I liked it better, but the one we have substitutes as a rocker – and a 2-for-1 deal is not a bad thing – in case you hadn’t caught on yet… babies are expensive.

If you want a babyrocker, the common one to get is the mommaRoo, I hear great things, but they’re pricey – to me that removes them from the list – also where do you store that beast afterwards?! Others swear by this baby Bjorn Bouncer.

Things for later on….

Activity Centre aka “Circle of neglect” 

I HIGHLY recommend it for 5 months + It’s what I leave Everly in now when I have to run and grab something or use the bathroom.  Again, most are terrible colours, this one isn’t! Everly loves it. I’ll give her a few snacks in a little bowl and she will content herself in there while I finish up chores.

Bath Mat

Once Everly could sit up by herself, we realized that this was a must have! No slipping and sliding in the bath.

Pack and Play

If you plan on travelling to a friends or Grandma’s or out of town… chances are you will need one of these. We went with the price sensitive option, but there are some that are much more transportable, lighter or have more bells and whistles… Whatever you choose, you will probably need one like this, this or this.

High Chair

The most common one I hear recommended is the highchair from Ikea! Cheap, wipes clean, has a little padded insert you can get – easy. This is the one that we chose (white and navy), it sits on our own chair, clips on easily, wipes clean, washable seat pad, and it doesn’t take up a huge amount of space!

Fed is best.

When you’re pregnant, people offer up a ton of information. You also go in search of it. I read a few books related to pregnancy, babies, sleep and raising kids. We also went to a pre-natal class at one of the hospitals here in Toronto. Now that I have some experience with an infant, there is one thing through all of this education/information that I have a huge issue with. Breastfeeding, and the way that we educate new parents – let me explain.

When Everly was born, she was a nice squishy 7lbs 9oz. When we left the hospital, she had lost 6 oz. hitting 7lbs 3oz. None of this is alarming. Babies generally lose between 5-10% of their initial birth weight in the first few weeks and regain it from there. Everly did not fall into the “general” category. By day 4, I was on the phone in the middle of the night to the Lactation Consultant hotline at the hospital she was born at. She had not had a wet diaper since 12 noon and it was 2am, and she was inconsolable. Long story short, she was not getting enough food – breastfeeding wasn’t going well. When we left the hospital they told us she should have as many wet/dirty diapers as she was days old. At 4 days old, she stalled at 3 diapers.

Over the next few weeks, Nick and I were 100% committed to getting her properly fed, and working on the whole breastfeeding thing. I wasn’t ready to give up – which is probably why we stuck with it for as long as we did – 6 months and 1 week. What has struck me though, is that everyone we have talked to has mentioned that they have had issues with feeding, breastfeeding or a story similar to ours – but no one told us, until we offered our story.

First thing you should know, if you’re having issues – you are the majority, not the minority! Second thing, it’s not an either or option – breastfed or bottle fed. What we learnt is that there are so many different ways babies can be supplemented – after all, a fed baby is best.

My biggest frustration our baby education is that breastfeeding and formula feeding were always offered up as mutually exclusive, or as a way to “give mom a break”. Don’t get me wrong, breastfeeding is hard, handing Everly over so that Nick could feed her during the middle of the night was a welcome break in those first few weeks, but we didn’t give her a bottle until she was 11 weeks old.

I wanted to submit the “Coles notes” version of the feeding processes we went through. I am happy to offer anyone more information on the process we went through, but just know, I am NOT an expert. I am only in an expert in my baby, and what worked and didn’t work for us.

Days 4-15 – Syringe and finger feeding in addition to time on the breast and pumping after everyfeed
Day 16-2 Months – Small tube and bottle with formula and pumped milk, while on the breast, pumping after every feed
2 months – 3 months – Supplemental Nursing System with formula and pumped milk, while on the breast, I started taking Domperidone for additional lactation support
3 months-6 months – Bottle fed formula supplementing breastfeeding, pumping 3-5x per day, still on Domperidone
6 months+ – Bottle fed, formula

 

Post feed, Skin to Skin

Everly’s first finger feed to “full” we call this Milk Drunk!

Finger feeding

Bi-weekly appointments with the lactation consultant. Getting to exclusively breastfed, only to have Everly’s weight plateau, going back on formula, breast feeding, pumping, all of the washing and sanitizing of a million moving parts. Through all of this, I had the amazing support of our Lactation Consultant, Beth; my husband, and some type of super human resolve to stick with breastfeeding in the face of so many issues.

Part of me felt like a failure. That I couldn’t do what my body was supposed to, that I couldn’t be enough for her. But I got over that. As soon as her weight started to stabilize, and her growth jumped, it really didn’t matter. Funny enough, the guilt returned when I made the decision to wean her. It was my decision to make, but I still felt as though someone had to tell me it was ok. I still felt like I was giving up.

What I most mean to say in this post is, the options are there, formula, breastfeeding – it really doesn’t matter. Whatever path you take, your baby needs you to make the best decisions that you can for them – fed is always best.